Ending life is so much easier than running away. I know you've probably thought about it and agreed. But another thing that you might agree with as well is that you can not imagine what your family and friends will go through. You know the family that has been around but not completely and the friends that sincerely care for you and what they will put up within the coming months will definitely great. And that is the only thing keeping you on earth. But they are, also the people who is trying to kill you.

Today and yesterday have made me feel utterly miserable.

The biggest reason of all is because that family I’m suppose to have with me backing my back is not there. They are, but not when I need them emotionally, not when I need them family-wise. Instead they find the easiest way to break me down and get me thinking about ‘death’ again. I don’t know how they do it, but it works every time. I just automatically break down, cry for hours on end, over analyse something and then death. It’s so shit that I can’t even pull the words together and explain my compacted emotions.

But you know, don’t worry. I’ve thought about it millions of times and how I would do it. I’ve never gone through with death however {reason why stated above} and this time, is another time that I’ve only gone as far as thinking about it.

I just wish my death was accidental, not suicide. Motive being is that no one would claim it their fault because it was ‘accidental’ nothing was intentional. But nothing will come my way

Time away

The last time I wrote an entry here was the day before the death of my computer (I make it sound dramatic because it's completely tragic. For me, who the internet is more than my life) I'm writing this now on my sisters computer and I'll just mention a few things that has been going on.

I might move again. Again I mean, is that I moved last year in June. And I might do it again due to Asian superstitions (we've been... In alot of bad family fights since our move in) Which my dad has been complaining about and has been blaming the house. Oh well.

I kind of like moving. Changing into something different. But then, I know I'll miss here too. Definitely.

And as for my favourite boy, he will still remain the same person and is still that douche bag he is.

Sighhhhhhhhhh. Thats all for now

No secrets for now. I can't be bothered since it's nearly 2:30 in the morning.Just a quick post to keep you updated.

Indifferent

Someone needs to clout me with reality.

For an overdue amount of time, I have been holding onto a subtle wire of hope that I know to some level, will keep disappointing me. But, unaware of all my chaos; you can put an end to it.

I like the way you have me holding on though. Hooked as I am, I may perhaps desire to let go. But you and I both know I don’t want to, ever. Yet, it will never be up to my humble self-deciding what path I can follow.

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Before I was talking to himmmmmmmm {not my current favourite boy btw. I know, I'm that one-day-is-all-it-takes-to-capture-my-heart kind of girl} He is, someone who I loved for or thought I did for a year. I think, personally with another opinion of my friend agreeing with me that he has changed. Better or whatever, I like it. He is, more talkative. Though, I've wondered beyond those changes if there are any problems. Like family. Which he had mention once but never said what is/was happening/ed. I'm worried. After all, we are still friends and in no way do I hate him for not accepting me in the past. I've never asked for it from him so, yeah.

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Yellow brick road, yellow brick road.

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Today killed me more than the days that I have missed you not being by my side. Because back then, I never knew whether it was your choice you wanted to be by me or not. But before, you clearly showed me where I stood within your path. Thank-you for that notice. I now, will not waste anymore time. Until you place me where I firstly thought I belonged. D,THANKYOU. But fuck you

You give love a bad name

Finally, I have finished the lovely bones. I took nearly this whole month just to finish 328 pages of words, words and words. It didn't take me that long because it wasn't worthy of reading. I just liked to read when I need time away from, people and the Internet {which is were I find myself most of the time} Or when I am in need of little entertainment.

And just in time, I have found Rumours {from the Luxe series} by Anna Godbersen which is what I'll be reading next. Though, I don't think I will take as long to read it. Since, I absolutely adored the Luxe. Yes, yes. The lovely bones is a wonderful book. But as a teenager still, teen readings is what will capture me more {but definitely not twilight, sorry Meyers} Because honestly, the lovely bones was a slow action mysterious novel. I need dashing boys that will get my heart racing, sitting on the edge of my seat every minute.

Anyway, I've just decided that I'll write a little secret. A secret, that I wish I had the strength to do or say to someone.

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I hate you, but I can't. Because supposedly you're a close friend. Now, that's what everyone thinks. Not me, love. x

The lovely bones was amazing {not so much that it tops Avatar} But for those who are into mystery and thriller movies, I guess tlb can be it for ya.

Well, before we went in we decided to go Nandos cause the three of us {me, friend and another friend} was hella hungry. With 20 minutes before the movie started to roll we knew if we sat and dined the first bits would be missed out on. So we tried and brought in food secretly which worked. Like 20 mintues into the movie a worker decides to check our theater while we were eating. I placed my hands over to cover my chick so did one of my friend. But as for my other friend she dropped her wrap {purposely} on our birthday present we got for our other other friend {accident} Hahah.

I saw a few people today which was good. Not anyone I wanted to see though {ahem, favourite boy atm} :D well, I'm watching winx club cause I can't sleep. I came online to check if he was on but I guess not so I'm hopping off after this, ta!

Well yesterday I planted in some plans for today. Which in like 10 hours I am due to leave my room and be at the station with some friends. I don't want to get into exact details because right now I can't be bothered and I'm having an insomnia so we'll leave it at that.

But the day before yesterday, I talked to my favourite boy. Awkward, at some points yes. But it got further than most of our conversations we've had. Surprisingly weird. Because it's only a new friendship {and yet he found a quick way in my mind} we should have more than millions of things to sparkle a conversation right? But no, wrong. It's only a hi here and back. What's up and we'll tell each other with a smiley face and then bam. One conversation in with the wind.

Honestly if I must say, I don't mind. At least we're even talking right? But then it has it's downs as well. I'm trying to be promising with 'not getting in a tangled knot' with guys right now {or as it seems} So the more time he spends apart, the more time I have to untangling myself. Though my position right now is steady. So never you mind.

You, only.

You got my mind twisted in a big game.

I don't know when you're going to end, finish and leave these immense feelings behind for me to handle. But as soon as you do, it's going to have me on the edge of my bed every night, like an insomniac person. Helpless and hopeless with nothing but despair and leading desires to roads of nowhere.
Let me however, push myself under the covers tonight and get caught between a person conscious on earth and a spirit from heaven. Where I can be me, in my game.
Promise?